Paint It Black
by Zelinxia
Summary: At first Kurogane can't stand Yukiyo, his mentor, who teases him so much. But the young ninja-in-training realizes he needs Yukiyo's affection and falls in love - which can only end in heartbreak. Set pre-series. Spoilers for Kurogane's past.


**Warning:** character death  
**Alternative summary:** Five times young Kurogane was vulnerable and one time he wasn't.

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(**Black. **_Adjective_. A hue that's absent of light. Sometimes seen as an infinite void, like darkness, like something locked away where nobody can touch it)

Kurogane wasn't always violent and destructive, terrifying the court ladies and receiving scorns from Souma and Princess Tomoyo, and worse Amaterasu. When he was adopted into Shirasagi Castle, he calmed down for a while and turned quiet and reserved. Even when he expressed his desire to join the imperial family's ninja force, he didn't acquaint himself with other ninjas outside of training time. He'd either spent free time practicing on his own, ignoring what others were saying about him, or tending to other duties. But never forming close friendships or warming up with one of the mentors, a common custom practiced between an older ninja and his pupil-in-training.

That was, until he was paired with Yukiyo, a senior member who ranked on the second tier just beneath Souma. He was a strict teacher but had a great sense of humor and was easygoing with just about everyone in the troop. It wasn't any surprise he was tasked to train Kurogane – with his patient attitude, it was hoped he would be the one to break open Kurogane's shell in the training field when Princess Tomoyo could not be at his side.

One

"Hey kid," Yukiyo said when he first addressed Kurogane as his mentor, "you sure you're a human? Sometimes you seem so stiff beyond a proper ninja. Lighten up now and then."

"I!" he reacted in anger. His cheeks burned red and he was fuming.

Yukiyo laughed and placed a friendly hand on his shoulder, grin changing into a soft smile, and said, "Being withdrawn might be useful, but sometimes that can go too far. I'll teach you how to control your emotions so it won't go extreme one way or another, alright?"

His teasing reminded him of his father. His smile and gentle assurance was very much like his mother. Kurogane was overcome with emotion and grief after Yukiyo managed to calm his anger down, but he put it aside for now, not wanting to become so vulnerable to his new mentor.

Later that night, after much tossing and turning restlessly, tears helped him fall asleep.

Two

At first he didn't appreciate Yukiyo teasing him. He lashed back when it wasn't inappropriate, scowled when he needed to maintain respect boundaries between student and teacher. Yukiyo also worked him hard, from the crack of dawn to supper time. It was more rigorous than any training he had done in Suwa, but being a ninja for the imperial family had somewhat different expectations and discipline than being the protector and lord of a province.

Yet Yukiyo was still the only senior member who treated Kurogane with kindness, with an open sense of camaraderie, someone who wasn't afraid to push him, guide him, and also be a friend to him. What Kurogane didn't know he missed, what he was aching for, was someone he could rely on. Princess Tomoyo was a treasured friend, too, but there were things he couldn't turn to her for like how he did with his father in his youth. Nobody could ever replace the late Lord of Suwa as his father figure – he _was_ the only one – but Yukiyo was a good mentor, and with his graceful skills and charms, Kurogane felt drawn towards him.

Unlike most relationships, even between married couples who must be discreet with affection in public, the one between warriors, particularly a teacher and his student, was very physical. At first Kurogane would only be in contact with Yukiyo when they sparred, his _bokken_ touching him, and he could indirectly feel his stature. But over time, claps on his shoulder became pats on the head, grabs on his wrist turned to brushes against his arm. And as the teasing continued, Kurogane welcomed them with familiarity. He actually _liked_ them, clung to them as unspoken affection beneath playful words.

When they parted for the day, he felt lonely without his master's presence. He would lay in bed still unable to sleep. These nights it wasn't the fear of losing control in his sleep that was keeping up. It was thinking about Yukiyo, the warmth from his laughs, the caring and patient side he never failed to display. Kurogane was consumed by him, infatuated even, feeling so vulnerable to these emotions and Yukiyo that he couldn't shake them off quite so easily.

He then realized he was in love for the first time.

Three

A year had passed when Kurogane was finally inducted in the ninja force at the age of fifteen. In the important ceremony, he was knighted by Princess Tomoyo and bestowed the copy of Ginryuu (_silver scales for Suwa's prized metal, golden head for good luck in battle, and garnet encrusted eyes for fury and passion_). He recited his oath to serve his eternal loyalty to the princess, and only her, until his death, to protect her at all cost. (_But a curious, rebellious part of him wondered if a similar type of loyalty could be partitioned to someone else, someone who was also important and increasingly enveloping his mind and heart_).

There was a small feast held in his and other sworn in ninjas that night. He still hadn't gotten acquainted with many of them, and the company wasn't as pleasant as he would have liked to. Yukiyo and the other senior ninjas sat at a different table, and at times when no one near him was looking, he'd eye in the direction of his master, who was laughing in uproar over tales and jokes. He was drinking heavily, but was still keeping it up. Kurogane had only known one other person who had a famously strong alcohol tolerance: his mother. Sometimes his teacher happened to eye him back, which Kurogane then hurriedly looked away, cheeks flushing and heart pounding heavily. He didn't mind if the others at his table teased him that he was drinking too much and making him flush deep red – anything was better than admitting what was on his mind. He would have to keep a better check on his emotions.

To his surprise, Yukiyo invited him to his chamber after supper was over, where Kurogane knew they would have more privacy, him having the privilege of having his own room. It was a warm summer evening, cicadas chirping loudly outside of the windows. Yukiyo had already changed into his evening yukata, the drapes of his neck outrageously exposed, and Kurogane couldn't help but blush furiously. He distracted himself by looking at his own bare feet, wondering if he really had too much to drink, until he felt warm fingers holding his chin.

Sweet, warm brown eyes met his with deep thoughts, and he forced himself to maintain contact.

"Kurogane…"

"Yes, Sensei?"

Yukiyo frowned. "Can you forgive me for being too soft on you?"

"What? I don't understand…"

"Ordinarily we would have started this complete relationship once I became your mentor," he said. "But since you were too closed, too reserved a year ago, I couldn't dare to intrude too soon."

"Oh." He realized that Yukiyo was talking about _wakashudo_, the formal brotherhood contract between an older warrior – the master – and his student. They were already operating on some principles, Kurogane learning from Yukiyo. But what they haven't done was became lovers, under a strict binding they would not have other male lovers until Kurogane came of age. The loyalty would always remain until their deaths. But now that Yukiyo was bringing this up, and the fact they were alone…

"_Oh._"

"But then I've seen the way you look at me, how you react differently to my regards for you. And now that you are fully a ninja under the service of the Tsukuyomi, it is time, Kurogane. Please kneel before me."

Kurogane did as was told, all the while trying to keep his composure as much as he could. He couldn't believe it. While Yukiyo didn't outright express any sentiment that he returned pure, romantic love, he was going to be his lover along with his mentor. They recited the oath, and as it went further along, Kurogane felt his breath shaking even more.

He couldn't believe what was happening, until the oaths were ended and no string of words were exchanged for the rest of the night as soon as Yukiyo initiated the kiss; and he relented into his master and new lover, hungrily, achingly, with want and need and desire and affection for this man he was deeply in love with, who meant _everything_ to him.

Four

"I'll protect you," he vowed, breathing in Yukiyo's neck.

"That's not how it works. We're both sworn to protect Tsukuyomi."

"I don't care," Kurogane scowls. He didn't know why emotions were suddenly roiling up in his stomach, and he knew he ought to keep a better control of it especially now, but he couldn't. "If I can become stronger I _will _protect Tomoyo-hime first and foremost and then you, Sensei."

"You're too stubborn," his master said teasingly. He brushed away bits of Kurogane's hair affectionately, and then said sternly, "I know you're a good kid, Kurogane, and whoever receives your love will be fortunate. But I won't always be that someone you can treasure. We are warriors and protectors for the imperial family, and our lives are pledged to die in their place if need be."

"Don't say that!"

"_Kurogane_."

He knew he crossed the line defying his master. Kurogane bitterly felt the pain of losing his parents, of not being able to protect them. He didn't want it to happen to Yukiyo either.

"I don't care. I'll protect you no matter what." (_Because you're precious to me_) he wanted to say (_and I don't want to lose you_), but knew he couldn't, let alone even dared.

Yukiyo sighed and shook his head, smiling. "Come, it's been a very late night. Let's get some sleep."

Five

Sometimes he still wondered if Yukiyo was secretly a dreamseer too, much like Princess Tomoyo.

A few months after Yukiyo and he first kissed and had sex, assassins raided the castle. The senior ninjas were stationed around the highest threats while Yukiyo was stationed to protect Tomoyo. Kurogane was not stationed near him.

One of the things he learned was to listen to his gut and react to it as fast as he could. When he felt something awful in him, he hurried to where Tomoyo and Yukiyo were hiding, because he promised to protect both of them. He knew the princess would be safe because she was strong and had the best bodyguards, but if Yukiyo guarding was on his own…

(_He arrived just as an assassin overwhelmed Yukiyo and stabbed him in his neck opening.)_

Tomoyo's scream was quickly muted in his utter, utter rage and despair, as the old, familiar demons clawed in his head and shut down the urge to fall apart right then and there, and with the hot blade of Ginryuu at his disposal he quickly eliminated Yukiyo's murderer. He couldn't see, he couldn't breathe, and he thought he'd never have to feel that pain again, but he was _wrong_.

He was able to snap out of it quicker than when he lost his family and homeland, but he still raged, still screamed and had to be held down, begging to be let go, but it was too late he had failed again to protect someone important to him and he was tired of crying but he still cried because that's what you did when you lose someone you loved.

One

He never wanted to love someone that dangerously close again, and have that unlucky chance of losing them when he should have protected them. Losing his parents was unbearable. Losing Yukiyo was the last straw.

And so, over the years he shut himself off, never letting that emotion betray him and his duty, always remaining closed, away from others.

You couldn't get stronger if you let yourself be vulnerable.

(**Steel. **_Noun_. Any form of iron, having qualities of hardness and strength. Cold, sharp, like the heart of the jaded warrior.)

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**Notes:** This was written for the headcanon ficathon at the KuroFai community at Dreamwidth. The headcanon prompt was that "_when Kurogane was first training to be a Shirasagi ninja, one of his mentors was an older ninja who has some of the same teasing mannerisms of Fai, and Kurogane had a MASSIVE CRUSH on this man. And then the mentor dies protecting Tomoyo from an assassin!_"


End file.
